For Longing.

I found this written in an old journal recently, and it really spoke into my current situation.  Just thought I would share it....

For Longing

Blessed be the longing that brought you here
And quickens your soul with wonder.

May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire
That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.

May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease
To discover the new direction your longing wants you to take.

May the forms of your belonging – in love, creativity and friendship
Be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.

May the one you long for long for you.

May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.

May a secret Providence guide your thought and nurture your feeling
May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which your body inhabits the world.

May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.

May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.

May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

John O'Donohue

Benedictus

War and Peace.

I sent in an article to Martin Saunders, the editor of Youthwork Magazine (UK) for a movement called #God52... The challenge was to write on the topic of peace and peace-making. I did what I do best and twisted it around to take it from a different angle! You can read the original blog here: 

http://god52.wordpress.com/2013/03/03/the-opposite-of-peace-by-ruth-baillie/

I would highly recommend reading some of the other articles.  They are refreshingly honest, insightful, and a challenge to everyone.  But anyway, here is my article, edited slightly as I have had more time to reflect.

Peace.
The word conjures up an image of stillness… quietness… serenity.  It’s something that most people yearn for, and spend their whole lives searching for, but a state of being which few manage to attain, and sustain.

2 Corinthians 5:20 says simply, ‘Be reconciled to God.’  To be reconciled to a person means to restore a relationship or, to put it another way, to ‘make peace’ with someone.  So, in other words, we are told to ‘make peace’ with God. And in doing so, make peace with ourselves.

What’s the opposite of peace?

The absence of peace is discontentment. Unhappiness. Fear. Worry.  I know this because I know what it is to reject God’s promised peace; to fight against Him, and like a stubborn child to want my own way.  When we refuse to submit to God’s best for our lives, we give up the precious gift of peace that He promises to us who remain steadfast in Him.  We give up the one thing that will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

And what do we get in return?

In my personal experience, what we receive in place of peace are many undesirable traits, and quite literally, a war waging within us.  A mind haunted with negative thoughts. A discontented soul, always striving for bigger and better things, and never happy with ourselves or our possessions.  A jealous heart, always comparing oneself to others and wanting what others have.  A heart full of fear and doubt: fear for the future, and doubt in God’s faithfulness and promises.  And all these things together lead to an anguished soul, unhappy and bitter and never succeeding in finding contentment and satisfaction in anything, no matter how much STUFF we own, how much alcohol we consume or how many friends you have around you.

There is a reason that Paul says in Romans 8:6, ‘for to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.’

Focusing on the world and all its pleasures, and desiring these things above all others leads to death.  Death of any form of peace, assurance, faith, and ultimately physical death.  But being focused on Jesus, and living in submission to Him leads to peace and contentment, no matter what the storms of life may throw at us.

The storms of death and grief… and yet the absolute stillness and peace that enfolded itself around me, my colleagues and friends on hearing of the death of our much loved friend and colleague in a tragic accident.  In amidst all the confusion, pain and grief was an undeniable sense of God’s presence. Peace. The peace that transcends understanding.

The storms of uncertainty… of not knowing what was coming post-graduation. Of worrying about the future.  When I submitted my life to God, he intervened. He spoke to me clearly, saying ‘you will go out with joy, and be led forth with peace.’ (Isaiah 55:12)  This stilled me, and my tendency to worry was replaced with an absolute assurance of God’s hand on my life. I knew an absolute peace during a time of great change and anxiety surrounding my future. And sure enough, 3 months later, He led me in to an absolutely perfect job.

There are many other storms of life – depression, financial worries, family breakdown, relationship breakdown, illness… In amidst these storms, The Lord is stretching His hand out to you with a most precious gift. Peace.  Don’t forfeit that for anything.

Be reconciled to God.  For He is the ultimate peace-maker, peace-giver and peace-keeper.

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in You.’ (Isaiah 26:3)

Flawed.

This post is something which I really have been putting off writing, even despite promptings from the Spirit, because quite honestly... It's a massive weak spot for me. This topic is something which I continue to do battle with, and it hurts.  It hurts to admit it to myself, and to others. It hurts because I know what it is to scrutinize yourself to the point of hating your looks and your body.  It hurts because I know what it is to hate yourself.  It hurts to know that there are others out there who can't see their worth for the hatred that engulfs them and the self-loathing that covers their eyes like scales.  For SO long, I battled with my looks, and for years I cried out to God in frustration, and questioned why had He made me the way He did? If you were to meet me now, you would hardly believe it... but it's the truth.

 As a teenager I had every stereotypical problem in the teenage 'Book of Woe' - braces, spots, stretch marks... There's no point in lying, I was most definitely your classic awkward teenager.  And while I have grown out of this, and successfully made it out the other side... While i know I'm not ugly by any stretch of the imagination... These feelings of worthlessness and general unloveliness have remained firmly rooted in my being, and it has taken an awful lot of tears, prayer, chat and meditation on the truths planted in God's Word to slowly restore my self esteem.  Which it has.  I can say I am now at a point where I know my worth.  I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am loved unconditionally and incomparably by my Creator. And actually, dare I say it... I actually LIKE myself! 

However, these past few weeks have seen me tested in this area.  My skin started to break out again, and those oh-so-familiar moans and groans of 'AAAAARGH GOD WHY??????' started clawing their way back in to my thought processes.  You would think by the age of 24 spots would be a thing of the past, but apparently not.  Those familiar feelings of unworthiness and ugliness started seeping back in. I started zoning in SO much on my flaws that I got tunnel vision (much in the same way I imagine males to have about Fifa) and I couldn't see past my blemished skin. It started pulling me down so much so that I sat on my bed a week or so ago and wrote down in my journal the following: 

"Lord, PLEASE will You help me with these burning questions. WHY do my insecurities overshadow me as a person?  WHY do I always zone in on my flaws and neglect the good? HOW can I change - how can I learn to see my full worth as Your child?'

I left it at that and went to bed.  My daily readings the following morning were (paraphrased) as follows:

"The tree of Knowledge placed in this centre of the Garden of Eden is indicative of self-centredness.  When Adam and Eve ate from it, the first thing they did was look at themselves.

If the enemy can get us to focus on ourselves, especially on real or perceived inadequacies, we will be easy prey for deception.

The enemy's strategy is to get us to look at ourselves, either the good or the bad, instead looking to the adequacy of The Lord."
(50 Days For a Firmer Foundation, Rick Joyner, page 74)

So, if that wasn't an answer to that question... I don't know what is.  It actually blew me away, and it all comes down to the same issue.  Sin.  Putting 'I' at the centre of my existence instead of the Son. Focusing on ourselves, on real or perceived inadequacies. Self centredness.  Self loathing.  Self esteem. Self self self.  Me. Me. Me.  

God also brought to mind something I had written in a previous journal from a few years ago. It is dated 3/12/2009.. Apologies in advance... It's lengthy, I get that, but please keep reading. I like to waffle, but it makes some decent points (if I do say so myself.)  Anyway, continue...

"Insecurity leads us to compare ourselves with others, jealousy, rivalry, and anger.  It envelopes itself around us so thickly that we lose focus on the only person who ever was and who ever will be perfect.Jesus.

How do we stop?! How do we learn to be comfortable in our own skin??? I wish I wish I wish I could find a way, Your way, to reach out to women; to girls, about this.  Help me find a way Father!  Help me to accept who I am for what You made me.  With earthly flaws.  But these flaws are not the fact that I have spot prone skin or have a less than perfect body... No.  The main flaw you find in me is this: 

I have forgotten You.  

In all my critiques and comparisons of others; in my harsh views of myself, I have both forgotten and insulted my Creator.

What work of art shouts at the artist who created it, 'Hey idiot! You made this part wrong, and this part...and WHY didn't you change that part?? What were you thinking?!'

No, rather the Artist displays His masterpiece for all to see, and the artwork is perfect, just the way He created it.  Some artwork He makes crazy, others He makes more subtle; more discreet.  Some He makes small, some He makes large.  Some are introvert, some are extrovert.  Some are realist... Others are in a world all of their own.  But, in the Artists gallery, they are all equal, loved by the one same Creator who made them all.

So why do we constantly strive to be different than from how God made us? Why do we strive to match up to society's unrealistic and unhealthy perceptions of beauty?  Why do we constantly moan about the size of our breasts, the thickness of our thighs, or the fact that the majority of us will never achieve that flat stomach?!  For some of us, these overriding and all consuming thoughts become fuelled into eating disorders.  For others, it's going to the gym so much to the point it becomes an obsession.  For others still, we eat our problems.  And for all of us, these thoughts stem from somewhere darker and more sinister - from Satan,  who doesn't want us to love ourselves or each other.  He wants us to hate who we are and how we have been made, and he wants us to loathe and envy one another.  But most of all, He wants us to HATE God... Hate Him for our perceived imperfections - our weight, our spots, our height, shoe size, cup size... You name it.  He wants us to forget about Him, our Creator, and try and re-create ourselves.  He wants us to become our own god.

If we want to get out of these destructive patterns of behaviour and thought, we NEED to focus our eyes back on the prize - back on our Creator, who made us in His image, to be made perfect in His likeness.  And the only way we can do this is to fully repent of our sinful thoughts and ways, to repent of the hatred we feel for ourselves, and turn our hearts back to the One who made us and thinks we are beautiful just the way we are.  Jesus suffered a horrific and tortuous death on a cross because He loves us SO much.  He thinks we are to die for!"

We have to live a lifestyle of repentance... of turning back to God whenever we feel ourselves turning our sights inwards. We have to look at ourselves through a fresh lens, and see that we are made unique, beautiful, and for a specific PURPOSE.  We have to learn how to love ourselves, and most of all, to increase in love for our Creator and other people more and more. No jealously. No rivalry. Just pure, wholesome, sincere love.

And you know, since reflecting on these thoughts, and taking the focus of myself and back on to Jesus, on praising Him and finding my worth in Him, I have realised that I don't notice my flaws as much any more.  I'm not being so harsh on myself.  And I'm generally a lot happier and at peace with who I am, spots and all.  And it's all because of Jesus.

'But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.'
2 Corinthians 12:9

Is this something you have struggled with, or are still struggling with? How do you tackle insecurities? Do you know your full worth as a child of God? 

Pleasing Aromas

I love perfume. 

 The road to my heart really is through Hugo Boss, and generally any nice-smelling and semi-expensive fragrance... (Men take note.)  I adore the smell of freshly-baked bread.  Pretty much, anything that is pleasing to the nostrils, I love.  I am that girl who will always exclaim, 'You smell AMAZING!' to any of my friends who happen to be wearing a nice perfume or cologne.  (Don't worry, I wouldn't say that to a stranger... That's just weird.)

This is why the following verse has been playing round in my mind the last few days, since it came up in my daily bible reading.  It struck a chord with me, and I haven't been able to shake off thinking about it:

'But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ's triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere.  For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.  To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life.  And who is equal to such a task? Unlike so many, we do not peddle the Word of God for profit.  On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, as those sent from God.'2 Corinthians 2:14-17


Aroma.  When I hear this word, I think of rich, powerful and pleasing fragrances.  Exotic foods.  Aromatic spices.  Fruit.  Scented candles and incense sticks.  Beautiful scents that fill rooms.  When this passage says that God uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere, it is basically saying that God uses us to spread the sweet-smelling, beautiful fragrance of Himself wherever we go.  The aroma of Christ is pleasing... Sweet... Powerful.  It draws people closer to Himself.

This idea of fragrances is a theme which is repeated throughout Scripture:

We see in Exodus 30 that people burned incense offerings to God.

Esther went through a full year of intensive beauty treatments, which included being doused in oil of myrrh for six months, and then perfumes and cosmetics for another six months.

  All so that she could go before King Xerxes and be pleasing to Him. 

In the Gospels we see Jesus being drenched in various perfumes and oils by women who loved Him.  The unnamed 'sinful woman' in Luke 7 weeps at His feet, and then pours perfume over them.  She realises who this man is, and how unworthy she is, unlike the Pharisees He is eating with at the time.

Mary poured perfume worth a full years wages over His head, much to the scorn of those present.  It says in Mark 14:3 that this perfume was made of 'pure nard,' and John 12:3 tells us that it filled the entire house with its fragrance.  It was powerful stuff, and Jesus was drenched in it.  At this point the phrase 'aroma of Christ' would very much be a literal one!  Jesus states in Mark 14:8: 'She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial.' Bearing in mind that this event happened just days before Jesus' death, this incident and Jesus' words would be fresh on their minds as they watched Him hanging on the cross.  And that powerful fragrance poured on Him just days earlier; the same fragrance that had filled an entire house, would still have been lingering on His skin. In His pores.  In His sweat.

 Jesus became a literal incense offering, pleasing to God.
The smell of both death, and life.
Smelled by everyone, regardless of whether they believed or not.
And the essence? Undeniable.  It was there.

And so it is with us - God uses US to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere, to those who choose to believe, and to those who don't.  Even more than this... Through Jesus, we are PLEASING to God.

'We are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ...' 

Through Christ dying for us and our wrongdoings, we have forgiveness and redemption when we seek and ask... And the God who created the heavens and the earth is pleased.  By us.  By me.  
In us, the aroma of Christ dwells.

Having the Spirit of the living God dwelling in us causes change.  It causes us to become more Christ-like: more loving... Compassionate... Patient.  This fragrance of Christ - that supernatural Spirit that moves in us, is attractive to people, in much the same way that I am attracted and drawn in by nice smells.  It causes people to want to look into our lives, and to question, 'why?' 'Why Jesus?'

Much like perfume, which lingers on clothes, on skin, in hair, the Spirit lingers... Except in this case it lingers in hearts and minds.

But, as with all of Scripture, this leaves us with a practical application for our lives, and a challenge.  How do we spread the aroma of Him everywhere? What does this passage say that we are to do?

'We do not peddle the Word of God for profit.  On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, as those sent from God.'

We do not do anything for our own gain.  We are not telling people about Jesus and His saving power for the sake of our own reputation... If anything, it will just make us more unpopular.  No, we speak the Word of God for His Glory, and to further His Kingdom. 

 Additionally, In Christ we speak with SINCERITY.  We speak to people out of a genuine and honest heart.  We seek to be more loving, more gracious, and more compassionate. 
And we do this all by the grace of God at work in us, not in our own strength or by our own means. For the power of God is at work within us who believe, and it smells sweet.

So I urge you, whenever you catch a waft of a pleasant aroma, let it be a reminder to you that we are called to spread the aroma of God everywhere we go.  Let it be a reminder that in us as believers the fullness of Christ dwells, and The Lord is pleased with us when we seek to follow Him.

What other ways are there that we can spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere?

Worry.

Something you should know about me.  I am a true worrier.  Now, some people say they're worriers, when really they are maybe anxious about something for a while, but then promptly forget about whatever it was they were anxious about.  These people are half-hearted when it comes to the task of worrying.

Not me.

There's a picture of me on our fridge aged about 8 or 9... I have a true 90s haircut, with the massive fringe that started half-way to the back of your head, and am sporting a (then) highly fashionable Sweater Shop jumper.  The one thing that stands out most, besides the awesome 90s garb are the pair of ridiculously big brown eyes; wide eyed and staring in what can only be described as an intensely worried expression.  That's me.  I would worry that the sun wouldn't rise tomorrow if I could (but actually... Living in Scotland we rarely see the sun, so I feel that worry is legitimate...)

Now don't get me wrong, for the most part I have mastered this sinful part of my nature.  I always remember my mum saying that worry is like a puppy, it will follow you around EVERYWHERE until you teach it to 'stay.'  You take your worry to the Cross, and you leave it and tell it to STAY. If it follows you, you take it back to the Cross and again, you tell it to stay.  So I have got good at taking my worries and concerns to the Lord over the years and giving it all to Him, because I know that if I don't, it will all pile on top of me and I will break.  I speak from experience... It has happened before.

And recently I have felt it happening again.  The familiar feelings of fret and worry coming on.  As the price of petrol sneaks up again, and the threat of yet another recession, i can feel myself starting to panic.  The kind of panic that literally rises from my gut up through my chest and into my throat.  It kind of feels like butterflies, except there's no handsome man around to make me feel like that.  It's fear... Pure fear.

But why?

It's at times like this when I really need to give myself a slap, figuratively speaking, and remind myself of what God has done for me in the past.  Here's just one of many instances of His faithfulness:

He provided me with a job tailored to my actual prayerful specifications of 'getting paid to go to youth camps, and to sit and drink tea and talk to people.' I genuinely prayed that, and told friends that as a joke.  I'm now a church youth worker.  I get paid to go on residential adventure weekends.  Tea drinking and chatting about life, love and faith with teenage girls is a given. I also didn't apply for said job, which is another blog post ALL together.

I KNOW who holds my future.

In amidst a dodgy economic and financial climate, the rising costs of living, the uncertain future of the UK, and the general uncertainty that surrounds life as a human-being, one thing is for certain.  My  loving Heavenly Father holds ALL things together.  Nothing moves or changes without His final command.

"For in Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or rulers or powers or authorities; all things have been created through Him and for Him.  He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:16-17

He is before all things, and in Him ALL things hold together.  Did you get that?

In Him ALL things hold together. 

 Jesus is holding me, my finances, and my future.  I do not have to worry. Repeat that to yourself. 

Instead of worrying, what does Jesus instruct me to do?

"Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and ALL these things (the things the Father knows we need) will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33


What does it mean to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness? I'm no theologian, but I've prayerfully taken a stab at it.  See, worry is a deep distrust in God's sovereignty and promises.  He promises previously in that passage to provide for us everything we need... Worry is an insult to Him.  Why do you think Jesus states, 'You of little faith!!' He promises to provide for us and yet we stress and worry needlessly.

So, instead of going after the things the world claims that we need to be happy, fulfilled and satisfied, seeking first His Kingdom means going to the One who can quench your spiritual hunger and thirst: the Living Water and the Living Bread.  Seek the things of heaven, and use these things to nourish your soul. A fully satisfied soul has no place for distrust, and therefore no place for worry, for a fully satisfied soul knows His Creator alone can sustain.

By seeking first the Kingdom of God, we take the focus off ourselves.  Off our petty world and our even pettier problems.  By seeking first His Kingdom, we do exactly that: we take our eyes off earth and all of its pain and uncertainties and look to the GLORY of heaven.  The Kingdom where peace and perfection reign.  The place where one day I will go with all my sin and imperfection and face my Creator in judgement, only to be counted as righteous because of the atoning blood of the Lamb.

Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and the worries you have now will fade away into nothing.  He will give to us all things as He deems fit.  

"Listen to me... You whom I have upheld since your birth, and have carried since you were born.  Even to your old age and grey hairs, I am He,
I am He who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you; 
I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:3-4

When worry starts to poison your mind, remind yourself of this beautiful truth from The Lord Himself:

I WILL SUSTAIN YOU.

Let's go, techno...

In true rookie style, I managed to delete my first ever blog.  It was beautiful too. It went something like this:

For as long as I can remember, I have kept a journal.  It has gone from being the diary detailing the everyday meanderings of a young teenage girl, to a place of communion with my loving Heavenly Father.  A place of solitude. Of rest.  Of reflection.  Of awe, and wonder, and thanksgiving for everyday mercies and answered prayers.  And often it's pages become tear-soaked; consoling heartbreak, heartache, and the confusion and pain of unanswered prayers. It's pages hold my innermost hopes, dreams and desires, and are privy to my doubts and fears.

It is these journals that have given me the inspiration to write a blog.  In their pages hold whispers from The Lord Himself... Revelations of His Word that have comforted my soul in times of need, and  general musings of everyday life.  The one already written is on worry - something that I do battle with often.  These writings will give you an insight into my sometimes confusing, but always well-meaning mind, and I hope you enjoy the journey.  I will seek to read back over my journals and share with you whatever God puts on my heart.  There will be no theme to these blogs... maybe apart from the fact they will all reference our loving Creator in some way.  They probably won't come in any chronological order... Spontaneity is a rarely used gift which I will indulge in this instance.  To be honest I don't really know what I'm thinking, posting journal extracts online... But hey, honesty is the best policy, and in this day and age of voyeurism... Who doesn't want to see inside someone's mind!

Some might find these posts encouraging - and that is my prayer.  Others may find them intriguing, others still may find them foolish.  After all, what kind of person puts their hope in things unseen?!

Whoever you are, whatever your beliefs.... Welcome.  Read.  Enjoy. Comment. Be kind. Be blessed.