Flawed.

This post is something which I really have been putting off writing, even despite promptings from the Spirit, because quite honestly... It's a massive weak spot for me. This topic is something which I continue to do battle with, and it hurts.  It hurts to admit it to myself, and to others. It hurts because I know what it is to scrutinize yourself to the point of hating your looks and your body.  It hurts because I know what it is to hate yourself.  It hurts to know that there are others out there who can't see their worth for the hatred that engulfs them and the self-loathing that covers their eyes like scales.  For SO long, I battled with my looks, and for years I cried out to God in frustration, and questioned why had He made me the way He did? If you were to meet me now, you would hardly believe it... but it's the truth.

 As a teenager I had every stereotypical problem in the teenage 'Book of Woe' - braces, spots, stretch marks... There's no point in lying, I was most definitely your classic awkward teenager.  And while I have grown out of this, and successfully made it out the other side... While i know I'm not ugly by any stretch of the imagination... These feelings of worthlessness and general unloveliness have remained firmly rooted in my being, and it has taken an awful lot of tears, prayer, chat and meditation on the truths planted in God's Word to slowly restore my self esteem.  Which it has.  I can say I am now at a point where I know my worth.  I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am loved unconditionally and incomparably by my Creator. And actually, dare I say it... I actually LIKE myself! 

However, these past few weeks have seen me tested in this area.  My skin started to break out again, and those oh-so-familiar moans and groans of 'AAAAARGH GOD WHY??????' started clawing their way back in to my thought processes.  You would think by the age of 24 spots would be a thing of the past, but apparently not.  Those familiar feelings of unworthiness and ugliness started seeping back in. I started zoning in SO much on my flaws that I got tunnel vision (much in the same way I imagine males to have about Fifa) and I couldn't see past my blemished skin. It started pulling me down so much so that I sat on my bed a week or so ago and wrote down in my journal the following: 

"Lord, PLEASE will You help me with these burning questions. WHY do my insecurities overshadow me as a person?  WHY do I always zone in on my flaws and neglect the good? HOW can I change - how can I learn to see my full worth as Your child?'

I left it at that and went to bed.  My daily readings the following morning were (paraphrased) as follows:

"The tree of Knowledge placed in this centre of the Garden of Eden is indicative of self-centredness.  When Adam and Eve ate from it, the first thing they did was look at themselves.

If the enemy can get us to focus on ourselves, especially on real or perceived inadequacies, we will be easy prey for deception.

The enemy's strategy is to get us to look at ourselves, either the good or the bad, instead looking to the adequacy of The Lord."
(50 Days For a Firmer Foundation, Rick Joyner, page 74)

So, if that wasn't an answer to that question... I don't know what is.  It actually blew me away, and it all comes down to the same issue.  Sin.  Putting 'I' at the centre of my existence instead of the Son. Focusing on ourselves, on real or perceived inadequacies. Self centredness.  Self loathing.  Self esteem. Self self self.  Me. Me. Me.  

God also brought to mind something I had written in a previous journal from a few years ago. It is dated 3/12/2009.. Apologies in advance... It's lengthy, I get that, but please keep reading. I like to waffle, but it makes some decent points (if I do say so myself.)  Anyway, continue...

"Insecurity leads us to compare ourselves with others, jealousy, rivalry, and anger.  It envelopes itself around us so thickly that we lose focus on the only person who ever was and who ever will be perfect.Jesus.

How do we stop?! How do we learn to be comfortable in our own skin??? I wish I wish I wish I could find a way, Your way, to reach out to women; to girls, about this.  Help me find a way Father!  Help me to accept who I am for what You made me.  With earthly flaws.  But these flaws are not the fact that I have spot prone skin or have a less than perfect body... No.  The main flaw you find in me is this: 

I have forgotten You.  

In all my critiques and comparisons of others; in my harsh views of myself, I have both forgotten and insulted my Creator.

What work of art shouts at the artist who created it, 'Hey idiot! You made this part wrong, and this part...and WHY didn't you change that part?? What were you thinking?!'

No, rather the Artist displays His masterpiece for all to see, and the artwork is perfect, just the way He created it.  Some artwork He makes crazy, others He makes more subtle; more discreet.  Some He makes small, some He makes large.  Some are introvert, some are extrovert.  Some are realist... Others are in a world all of their own.  But, in the Artists gallery, they are all equal, loved by the one same Creator who made them all.

So why do we constantly strive to be different than from how God made us? Why do we strive to match up to society's unrealistic and unhealthy perceptions of beauty?  Why do we constantly moan about the size of our breasts, the thickness of our thighs, or the fact that the majority of us will never achieve that flat stomach?!  For some of us, these overriding and all consuming thoughts become fuelled into eating disorders.  For others, it's going to the gym so much to the point it becomes an obsession.  For others still, we eat our problems.  And for all of us, these thoughts stem from somewhere darker and more sinister - from Satan,  who doesn't want us to love ourselves or each other.  He wants us to hate who we are and how we have been made, and he wants us to loathe and envy one another.  But most of all, He wants us to HATE God... Hate Him for our perceived imperfections - our weight, our spots, our height, shoe size, cup size... You name it.  He wants us to forget about Him, our Creator, and try and re-create ourselves.  He wants us to become our own god.

If we want to get out of these destructive patterns of behaviour and thought, we NEED to focus our eyes back on the prize - back on our Creator, who made us in His image, to be made perfect in His likeness.  And the only way we can do this is to fully repent of our sinful thoughts and ways, to repent of the hatred we feel for ourselves, and turn our hearts back to the One who made us and thinks we are beautiful just the way we are.  Jesus suffered a horrific and tortuous death on a cross because He loves us SO much.  He thinks we are to die for!"

We have to live a lifestyle of repentance... of turning back to God whenever we feel ourselves turning our sights inwards. We have to look at ourselves through a fresh lens, and see that we are made unique, beautiful, and for a specific PURPOSE.  We have to learn how to love ourselves, and most of all, to increase in love for our Creator and other people more and more. No jealously. No rivalry. Just pure, wholesome, sincere love.

And you know, since reflecting on these thoughts, and taking the focus of myself and back on to Jesus, on praising Him and finding my worth in Him, I have realised that I don't notice my flaws as much any more.  I'm not being so harsh on myself.  And I'm generally a lot happier and at peace with who I am, spots and all.  And it's all because of Jesus.

'But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.'
2 Corinthians 12:9

Is this something you have struggled with, or are still struggling with? How do you tackle insecurities? Do you know your full worth as a child of God? 

Pleasing Aromas

I love perfume. 

 The road to my heart really is through Hugo Boss, and generally any nice-smelling and semi-expensive fragrance... (Men take note.)  I adore the smell of freshly-baked bread.  Pretty much, anything that is pleasing to the nostrils, I love.  I am that girl who will always exclaim, 'You smell AMAZING!' to any of my friends who happen to be wearing a nice perfume or cologne.  (Don't worry, I wouldn't say that to a stranger... That's just weird.)

This is why the following verse has been playing round in my mind the last few days, since it came up in my daily bible reading.  It struck a chord with me, and I haven't been able to shake off thinking about it:

'But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ's triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere.  For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing.  To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life.  And who is equal to such a task? Unlike so many, we do not peddle the Word of God for profit.  On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, as those sent from God.'2 Corinthians 2:14-17


Aroma.  When I hear this word, I think of rich, powerful and pleasing fragrances.  Exotic foods.  Aromatic spices.  Fruit.  Scented candles and incense sticks.  Beautiful scents that fill rooms.  When this passage says that God uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere, it is basically saying that God uses us to spread the sweet-smelling, beautiful fragrance of Himself wherever we go.  The aroma of Christ is pleasing... Sweet... Powerful.  It draws people closer to Himself.

This idea of fragrances is a theme which is repeated throughout Scripture:

We see in Exodus 30 that people burned incense offerings to God.

Esther went through a full year of intensive beauty treatments, which included being doused in oil of myrrh for six months, and then perfumes and cosmetics for another six months.

  All so that she could go before King Xerxes and be pleasing to Him. 

In the Gospels we see Jesus being drenched in various perfumes and oils by women who loved Him.  The unnamed 'sinful woman' in Luke 7 weeps at His feet, and then pours perfume over them.  She realises who this man is, and how unworthy she is, unlike the Pharisees He is eating with at the time.

Mary poured perfume worth a full years wages over His head, much to the scorn of those present.  It says in Mark 14:3 that this perfume was made of 'pure nard,' and John 12:3 tells us that it filled the entire house with its fragrance.  It was powerful stuff, and Jesus was drenched in it.  At this point the phrase 'aroma of Christ' would very much be a literal one!  Jesus states in Mark 14:8: 'She poured perfume on my body beforehand to prepare for my burial.' Bearing in mind that this event happened just days before Jesus' death, this incident and Jesus' words would be fresh on their minds as they watched Him hanging on the cross.  And that powerful fragrance poured on Him just days earlier; the same fragrance that had filled an entire house, would still have been lingering on His skin. In His pores.  In His sweat.

 Jesus became a literal incense offering, pleasing to God.
The smell of both death, and life.
Smelled by everyone, regardless of whether they believed or not.
And the essence? Undeniable.  It was there.

And so it is with us - God uses US to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere, to those who choose to believe, and to those who don't.  Even more than this... Through Jesus, we are PLEASING to God.

'We are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ...' 

Through Christ dying for us and our wrongdoings, we have forgiveness and redemption when we seek and ask... And the God who created the heavens and the earth is pleased.  By us.  By me.  
In us, the aroma of Christ dwells.

Having the Spirit of the living God dwelling in us causes change.  It causes us to become more Christ-like: more loving... Compassionate... Patient.  This fragrance of Christ - that supernatural Spirit that moves in us, is attractive to people, in much the same way that I am attracted and drawn in by nice smells.  It causes people to want to look into our lives, and to question, 'why?' 'Why Jesus?'

Much like perfume, which lingers on clothes, on skin, in hair, the Spirit lingers... Except in this case it lingers in hearts and minds.

But, as with all of Scripture, this leaves us with a practical application for our lives, and a challenge.  How do we spread the aroma of Him everywhere? What does this passage say that we are to do?

'We do not peddle the Word of God for profit.  On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, as those sent from God.'

We do not do anything for our own gain.  We are not telling people about Jesus and His saving power for the sake of our own reputation... If anything, it will just make us more unpopular.  No, we speak the Word of God for His Glory, and to further His Kingdom. 

 Additionally, In Christ we speak with SINCERITY.  We speak to people out of a genuine and honest heart.  We seek to be more loving, more gracious, and more compassionate. 
And we do this all by the grace of God at work in us, not in our own strength or by our own means. For the power of God is at work within us who believe, and it smells sweet.

So I urge you, whenever you catch a waft of a pleasant aroma, let it be a reminder to you that we are called to spread the aroma of God everywhere we go.  Let it be a reminder that in us as believers the fullness of Christ dwells, and The Lord is pleased with us when we seek to follow Him.

What other ways are there that we can spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere?