Flawed.

This post is something which I really have been putting off writing, even despite promptings from the Spirit, because quite honestly... It's a massive weak spot for me. This topic is something which I continue to do battle with, and it hurts.  It hurts to admit it to myself, and to others. It hurts because I know what it is to scrutinize yourself to the point of hating your looks and your body.  It hurts because I know what it is to hate yourself.  It hurts to know that there are others out there who can't see their worth for the hatred that engulfs them and the self-loathing that covers their eyes like scales.  For SO long, I battled with my looks, and for years I cried out to God in frustration, and questioned why had He made me the way He did? If you were to meet me now, you would hardly believe it... but it's the truth.

 As a teenager I had every stereotypical problem in the teenage 'Book of Woe' - braces, spots, stretch marks... There's no point in lying, I was most definitely your classic awkward teenager.  And while I have grown out of this, and successfully made it out the other side... While i know I'm not ugly by any stretch of the imagination... These feelings of worthlessness and general unloveliness have remained firmly rooted in my being, and it has taken an awful lot of tears, prayer, chat and meditation on the truths planted in God's Word to slowly restore my self esteem.  Which it has.  I can say I am now at a point where I know my worth.  I know who I am in Christ, and I know that I am loved unconditionally and incomparably by my Creator. And actually, dare I say it... I actually LIKE myself! 

However, these past few weeks have seen me tested in this area.  My skin started to break out again, and those oh-so-familiar moans and groans of 'AAAAARGH GOD WHY??????' started clawing their way back in to my thought processes.  You would think by the age of 24 spots would be a thing of the past, but apparently not.  Those familiar feelings of unworthiness and ugliness started seeping back in. I started zoning in SO much on my flaws that I got tunnel vision (much in the same way I imagine males to have about Fifa) and I couldn't see past my blemished skin. It started pulling me down so much so that I sat on my bed a week or so ago and wrote down in my journal the following: 

"Lord, PLEASE will You help me with these burning questions. WHY do my insecurities overshadow me as a person?  WHY do I always zone in on my flaws and neglect the good? HOW can I change - how can I learn to see my full worth as Your child?'

I left it at that and went to bed.  My daily readings the following morning were (paraphrased) as follows:

"The tree of Knowledge placed in this centre of the Garden of Eden is indicative of self-centredness.  When Adam and Eve ate from it, the first thing they did was look at themselves.

If the enemy can get us to focus on ourselves, especially on real or perceived inadequacies, we will be easy prey for deception.

The enemy's strategy is to get us to look at ourselves, either the good or the bad, instead looking to the adequacy of The Lord."
(50 Days For a Firmer Foundation, Rick Joyner, page 74)

So, if that wasn't an answer to that question... I don't know what is.  It actually blew me away, and it all comes down to the same issue.  Sin.  Putting 'I' at the centre of my existence instead of the Son. Focusing on ourselves, on real or perceived inadequacies. Self centredness.  Self loathing.  Self esteem. Self self self.  Me. Me. Me.  

God also brought to mind something I had written in a previous journal from a few years ago. It is dated 3/12/2009.. Apologies in advance... It's lengthy, I get that, but please keep reading. I like to waffle, but it makes some decent points (if I do say so myself.)  Anyway, continue...

"Insecurity leads us to compare ourselves with others, jealousy, rivalry, and anger.  It envelopes itself around us so thickly that we lose focus on the only person who ever was and who ever will be perfect.Jesus.

How do we stop?! How do we learn to be comfortable in our own skin??? I wish I wish I wish I could find a way, Your way, to reach out to women; to girls, about this.  Help me find a way Father!  Help me to accept who I am for what You made me.  With earthly flaws.  But these flaws are not the fact that I have spot prone skin or have a less than perfect body... No.  The main flaw you find in me is this: 

I have forgotten You.  

In all my critiques and comparisons of others; in my harsh views of myself, I have both forgotten and insulted my Creator.

What work of art shouts at the artist who created it, 'Hey idiot! You made this part wrong, and this part...and WHY didn't you change that part?? What were you thinking?!'

No, rather the Artist displays His masterpiece for all to see, and the artwork is perfect, just the way He created it.  Some artwork He makes crazy, others He makes more subtle; more discreet.  Some He makes small, some He makes large.  Some are introvert, some are extrovert.  Some are realist... Others are in a world all of their own.  But, in the Artists gallery, they are all equal, loved by the one same Creator who made them all.

So why do we constantly strive to be different than from how God made us? Why do we strive to match up to society's unrealistic and unhealthy perceptions of beauty?  Why do we constantly moan about the size of our breasts, the thickness of our thighs, or the fact that the majority of us will never achieve that flat stomach?!  For some of us, these overriding and all consuming thoughts become fuelled into eating disorders.  For others, it's going to the gym so much to the point it becomes an obsession.  For others still, we eat our problems.  And for all of us, these thoughts stem from somewhere darker and more sinister - from Satan,  who doesn't want us to love ourselves or each other.  He wants us to hate who we are and how we have been made, and he wants us to loathe and envy one another.  But most of all, He wants us to HATE God... Hate Him for our perceived imperfections - our weight, our spots, our height, shoe size, cup size... You name it.  He wants us to forget about Him, our Creator, and try and re-create ourselves.  He wants us to become our own god.

If we want to get out of these destructive patterns of behaviour and thought, we NEED to focus our eyes back on the prize - back on our Creator, who made us in His image, to be made perfect in His likeness.  And the only way we can do this is to fully repent of our sinful thoughts and ways, to repent of the hatred we feel for ourselves, and turn our hearts back to the One who made us and thinks we are beautiful just the way we are.  Jesus suffered a horrific and tortuous death on a cross because He loves us SO much.  He thinks we are to die for!"

We have to live a lifestyle of repentance... of turning back to God whenever we feel ourselves turning our sights inwards. We have to look at ourselves through a fresh lens, and see that we are made unique, beautiful, and for a specific PURPOSE.  We have to learn how to love ourselves, and most of all, to increase in love for our Creator and other people more and more. No jealously. No rivalry. Just pure, wholesome, sincere love.

And you know, since reflecting on these thoughts, and taking the focus of myself and back on to Jesus, on praising Him and finding my worth in Him, I have realised that I don't notice my flaws as much any more.  I'm not being so harsh on myself.  And I'm generally a lot happier and at peace with who I am, spots and all.  And it's all because of Jesus.

'But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.'
2 Corinthians 12:9

Is this something you have struggled with, or are still struggling with? How do you tackle insecurities? Do you know your full worth as a child of God?